Today was my grandmothers memorial. I’ve had a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts running through my head all day ~ what am I going to put in the niche with her, denial that she’s physically gone, why is it I only see my extended family during funerals and weddings, what relationships I’v let slip and how can I rekindle them. I’ve shedded a thousand tears today and my eyes feel heavy with some slight stinging from all the crying.
When they were putting her in the niche and in the ground with my mothers father and everyone was saying their last goodbyes something I wrote a couple months ago kept ringing in my head.
Last week while we were camping my mother had made my grandmothers popsicle recipe. That first bite I was flooded with memories eating those in the summer at her house. Back then I was a child and it wouldn’t have been allowed but I’m an adult now so I ate five of these in one day (they’re on the smaller size if that helps my case any). They were so good and although I can’t remember a specific memory eating them, I remember the taste and texture of them, and this odd memory of perhaps my grandmother pulling them out of the freezer to give to us.
After the memorial my aunt said that every time they came home to visit the kids would run into the house and ask if grandma made her jello. She would make these jello cubes that you could pull apart layer by layer. Typically they were red, green and orange. My aunt also made a comment about a favourite dish of hers that she would always make when she came home. Other family members mentioned her ketchup spare ribs, her cracked crab, cabbage salad. One family member said she was the “queen of desserts”. As I write this I am eating leftover cabbage salad (her recipe) from our family dinner earlier today.
There are deep memories, deep connections with the food she would make.
So although she is physically gone, although today marks the “end,” somewhat of a final goodbye, she is still with us. Our loved ones always leave something for us.
I started a series called “We Love You” to honour her memory and to honour my thoughts and feelings as I navigate my memories with her and my journey through grief of losing her. I have in my head something physical and beautiful to sit with and flip through but I can’t quite put a period on that sentence, on that chapter. So, for now “We Love You” will remain my live memorial of her that I will continue adding photos, thoughts and musings about her life, our life together.